DEAR ABBY: I’m engaged to a wonderful man. We are incredibly happy, and I cannot wait for our life together to begin. There’s just one problem — his best friend, “Joey.” Joey is wonderful to my fiancé and a nice person overall, but he’s a serial cheater.
In the five years I’ve known him, Joey has dated and cheated on multiple women, some of whom I befriended before recognizing the pattern. It’s always the same — Joey meets a woman, quickly gets into something deep and monogamous, and then, after six months, he starts sleeping with other people.
Six weeks into meeting his most recent woman, they got married in a courthouse wedding. I’m having trouble bringing myself to meet his bride. I know the pattern. I know Joey will cheat after their honeymoon period ends. She certainly won’t be around very long.
I feel myself getting angry, and I’m nervous about actually being in a room with them. His friends have accepted what he’s like and are used to the revolving door. I want to be respectful to my fiancé and meet his best friend’s new wife, and I realize this is something I am going to have to deal with our entire lives, if they remain friends.
As a feminist, however, I am having trouble watching him do this to woman after woman, and I’m still expected to meet and befriend each one. How can I deal with this? — WRITING ON THE WALL IN ILLINOIS
DEAR W.O.T.W.: Deal with this by being a lady, meeting the new “Mrs. Joey,” and being as kind to her as you would want her to be if the situation were reversed. And while you’re at it, hold a good thought. This is the first woman to get Joey to the altar, and while the odds may not be great, the union might just work out. Stranger things have happened.
DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced nearly 50 years ago, when I was 11. Both of my parents remarried, though Dad is now a widower. A few years ago, Dad decided he couldn’t keep the secret anymore and shared it with another of my siblings and me. Our mom cheated on Dad for years, and our youngest sib, “Dana,” has a different father. At first, I was angry at her (though not surprised), but I’m calmer now.
In today’s age of DNA testing, I imagine Dana might find out. Wouldn’t it be better if Dana knew while our parents (who are in their 80s) are alive and could explain? Dana’s biological father is deceased, and Dad has been a wonderful father to all of us kids.
I don’t want to cause any pain, yet I’m having a hard time keeping this to myself. My spouse suggests I talk with Mom, gently let her know that I’m aware of the situation, and ask if Dana already knows. I’m torn. — HEAVY SECRET
DEAR SECRET: Your spouse’s instinct is correct. You need to talk about this, so it makes sense to speak to someone who already knows the secret. Clearing the air with your mom will make you feel better, and it may give her the strength to come clean with Dana if that’s what she thinks is best.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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