Is now the right time to take your first step? The beginning of the year is often the time for contemplation and action. Divorce is no different. Like any significant life event, it requires a great deal of reflection, planning, organizing and hiring the right people. And truly in that order. You can restructure your marriage in a few different ways, but the right path for you requires a clear vision, smart strategy, and patient execution.
The best results start when you “begin with the end in mind”. To set yourself and your loved ones up for long-term success, it is important that you think in terms of the following steps:
1. Am I Sure? – Consider Discernment Counseling
If you are not yet sure that you want a divorce, discernment counseling can be a great
first step. It can actually be a very smart step even if you are sure you do want a divorce.
While marriage counseling typically promotes change, discernment counseling promotes decision-making. The goal is that in one-to-five sessions you and your spouse decide whether it is best to maintain your status quo, proceed with divorce, or commit to six months of couples therapy with a clear agenda for change.
It’s worth noting that the bulk of time and money spent in divorce court is typically on parenting-time and finances. So, whether you ultimately decide to restructure your family into separate households or to remain in one, working these things out with a discernment counselor might save you months (or years) and thousands of dollars in the legal process. It is especially effective if one of you is resistant to divorce. You can find a degreed, licensed and experienced professionals here.
2. Create the Anchor – Understand What Will Be Best for You and All Involved
Divorce obviously triggers a lot of stress and emotions. While this can’t be avoided, it is critical to stay laser focused on clear goals of what you want for you personally, your kids, friends and the relationship you want with your soon-to-be former spouse. Reflect not only on this year, but three to ten years out. Considering key future milestones and life events, like your children’s weddings or birth of grandchild, may be a tool to keep you anchored.
It’s common for couples to wait for divorce until the kids are in college thinking it will be easier for the kids when they are out of the marital home. However, it’s helpful to consider that moving while they are in middle or high school gives kids a chance to acclimate to their new realities while they still are living with at least one parent on a daily basis. Waiting until they are in college and then coming home for breaks to two new homes is likely not the stability parents were envisioning.
The flow of emotions, friends’ opinions, and experts’ suggestions will result in conflicting but not mutually exclusive objectives. It will be critical that you keep yourself anchored to your priorities to avoid being pulled into a sea of frustration and excessive legal fees.
3. Communication – Avoid the Surprise
“Shock and Awe” might be great for the military but can really derail a successful divorce. If you have not told your spouse that you are contemplating divorce, perhaps you should. It’s much better to approach them about wanting to change your marriage or ask them if they would like to move forward in separate households than to blindside them with divorce papers.
Avoid common pitfalls like sharing a computer that shows your web browsing history or accidental notifications to your spouse when trying to access financial accounts. If you’re not quite ready share that you are contemplating divorce, perhaps start by telling them you’d like to become more involved with the finances. The new year is a great time to learn about whether you are on track for retirement and try to foster healthy communications around money. If your spouse refuses to have detailed discussions about money, knowing this is a helpful insight in deciding how to proceed.
4. Finances – Get Started, Small Steps Make a Big Difference
If you have your arms around your finances, great, if not, you will get there. It is often
an iterative process, so all small steps are valuable. Knowing where the money is, what you owe, what you own, what’s coming in, and what’s going out will help you make smarter decisions about whether to keep the marital home, allocate children’s expenses, and which assets and debts to take.
As a first step, start by running your credit report to see what loans are outstanding in your name. Locking or freezing your credit file will prevent your spouse from opening any new credit in your name. Additionally, try to get the last three years of your tax returns and current statements on your investment and retirement accounts as well as any credit cards, auto loans, or mortgages. If you don’t have access to any of the information and do not want to ask your spouse, don’t worry. Once you hire an attorney, they will be able to get access.
5. Hire – Only Now Are You Ready to Involve the Experts
While last, it is not least. The right fit team is critical to restructuring your marriage with the least amount of cost, conflict and collateral damage. We place it last because the better prepared you are for the journey, the better you will be in selecting your team and using them effectively.
Create a brand new email before you reach out and keep all divorce communications with divorce professionals and your spouse contained in that email account. Divorce often takes 1-2 years, and having a discrete divorce account will make it easier to search past records and avoid being triggered by divorce emails when accessing your work email or children’s school notifications.
Below are key professionals most couples need and here is more information on how to hire the right fit for your family:
a. Legal – divorce attorney and estate attorney
b. Financial – tax preparer, financial advisor and possibly other specific needs around valuations, mortgages and insurance.
c. Emotional – divorce coach, therapist, and supportive family and friends
Following the steps above will help you finalize your marriage chapter with dignity and grace. Divorce is often a series of “least-worst” decisions. Making the best of the worst choices is critical to creating the next chapter you desire.
Is it time to take the first step to begin the divorce journey?
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