Has an uncomfortable silence ever triggered a “fight or flight” response for you or for others?
If so, that’s totally natural.
Human beings are wired to strive to reduce uncertainty in our lives, and that includes silence.
Imagine two prehistoric humans hearing rustling in the bushes. One assumes, “It’s probably the wind,” while the other thinks, “It might be a lion.” The second person was more likely to survive if there really was a predator. Our evolution has favored nervous systems that treated uncertainty as something to respond to rather than ignore.
Although we no longer face those exact life-and-death situations, uncertainty still makes us uncomfortable. Imagine someone asking their partner, “Will you marry me?” There are three possible responses: “Yes,” “No,” or no answer at all.
In the first two, uncertainty ends. The first brings joy. The second provokes disappointment, but both provide closure. Even a “no” offers an opportunity to understand why, or how it could eventually become a “yes.” Silence, however, prolongs uncertainty, which makes it so psychologically unbearable.
The Damage of Silence
A 2017 study by the CMO Council found that the single most important attribute of customer experience was a fast response to issues, needs, or complaints. Similarly, a global study by the Economist Intelligence Unit (2015) identified fast responses to inquiries or complaints as the most important element of an ideal customer experience.
These findings reveal that people value knowing they have been heard and that someone is responding. Responsiveness reduces uncertainty and reassures people that they matter.
Our brains rarely respond to uncertainty with optimism. When communication is absent, negativity bias takes over, and we craft mental narratives, such as “they’re ignoring me,” “they don’t respect me,” or “they don’t care.” Because silence is easily interpreted as indifference, avoidance, or disrespect—even when none of them is intended—the stories we create are generally worse than reality. As a result, unresponsiveness erodes trust, weakens engagement, and increases the perception of hostility.
The Silent Sibling Situation
I once advised a family of siblings who jointly owned a valuable asset. One group wanted to sell it, while the other preferred to keep it. One of the “keep it” siblings offered to buy out the interests of those who wished to sell. Preparing the offer required time to value the asset, evaluate financing, and analyze the tax implications.
Repeatedly, I encouraged the “keep it” sibling to let the others know that progress was being made, apologize for the delay, and provide an estimated timeline. That never happened. As weeks turned into months, those wanting to sell interpreted the silence as disrespect. Eventually, the offer was finally presented and accepted, but the connection between them weakened, it was cordial but not warm like before. The division was not caused by the delay itself, but by the prolonged silence that triggered uncertainty.
Many forms of silence can arise in a family business setting: avoided conversations, delayed responses, becoming unavailable, unresolved requests, indecision, and stonewalling. Although they all are different, they produce the same result: frustration, resentment, and emotional escalation because they leave uncertainty unresolved.
Silence is Hostility
People rarely go to war because they disagree. They go to war because continued silence allows uncertainty to develop into conflict.
Our brain processes the uncertainty as a potential threat. Neuroscience has shown that uncertain situations activate many of the same brain systems involved in detecting danger, including the amygdala. Silence is rarely interpreted as neutral because it creates a vacuum the mind fills usually with negative assumptions.
The person receiving the silence perceives it as hostility, and the absence of certainty leaves room for suspicion to grow.
If you want to avoid other sources of unintended conflict in your business, you can explore my book Legacy Traps: Why Family Businesses Fail and How to Protect Yours. In the meantime, the practical lesson is simple:
If you need time to think, analyze, or decide, then say so clearly. A brief message such as, “I’m working on it and will get back to you next week,” preserves trust and, most importantly, protects family bonds. People can tolerate waiting, but they can’t tolerate undefined silence.
What is a current situation where you could reduce uncertainty for someone else? A simple email or short phone call could save you from unnecessary mistrust and misunderstanding.
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